A Very Bad Idea

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Just rockin’ the 90s with my little brothers Chris (left) & Brad (right)

Today I am going to tell you a true story. I have a little brother named Chris. I have five stupid brothers but Chris is my favorite (don’t tell the others). Chris and I have one of those questionable love/hate relationships. We almost never talk but when we finally do, we talk for hours. Earlier this week we were reminiscing about childhood and surviving childhood with said love/hate relationship. We laughed about the time Chris chased me and Brad across the yard with a machete–I think we could call this a hate moment.

a) Why did we own and freely play with a machete?

b) What could Brad and I possibly have done to invoke being hacked up in the front yard by a machete?

c) None of this is the true story I’m going to tell you (I mean, it is true, he really did chase us with a machete–but that’s for another day).

Don’t be deceived by how nice he looks

I grew up in the country on a farm with three big red barns. Up in the biggest barn the farthest from the house was a hayloft. The hayloft was the fortress and playground of my youth–my hideaway and favorite place in the world. One day right before I left for college, Chris and I decide it would just be the coolest thing in the world to sleep in the hayloft. And if we’re going to sleep in the hayloft well, dang it, we need entertainment. Thus began the plan to hook the TV up in the loft. No biggie, the barn is only like 20 yards miles from the house–we should have extension cords enough for that. Then was the part about actually hoisting the TV up into the loft–I believe this was done using a combination of ladders and my incredible upper arm strength. Regardless, we somehow got it up there with extension cords strung from the loft, through the puddles, up the hill, over the drive, through the yard, and into the house. Ah yes, but if you are going to sleep in the hayloft watching TV all night, well, you are going to need a good solid horror movie to make it worth your while. So, off to the movie store we go to make our selections. We returned home with a large pizza and the movie “Hide n’ Seek.” We built a proper nest on the floor and thus began the night of terror and stupidity.

“Hide n’ Seek” really isn’t that scary a movie…unless of course, you’re watching it in a barn out in a field in the middle of the night. You wouldn’t believe how timid a once machete-wielding kid can be until you lock him up in a barn with a horror movie–I’ve never seen Chris snuggle so close or act as though he liked me so much. We were both completely freaked out and kept talking about how maybe this wasn’t such a good idea and maybe we should go back to the house..huh huh, huh huh <8[

We were ready to pack up and run for it until we heard a scratching noise coming from the room under the loft. It was probably just a cat, but in that moment we were both fairly certain Freddie freakin’ Kruger was scratching his way through the floor boards intending to have us for dinner. You know that feeling of sheer terror that rises up in you sometimes and you’re just too scared to move or breathe? Ya, that was pretty much how we spent the whole night in the barn. We didn’t sleep a wink and as soon as the sun started to rise and there was just enough light to see the house again, we ran for it. If I remember right, we got to the front porch only to realize our Parents of the Year had locked us out so back to the loft we went.

It was one of the dumbest things we’ve ever done and one of the best memories we ever made.

Our current brilliant idea is to buy a pink van branded Kris and Kari’s Krazy Good BBQ out of which we will sell pulled pork to the masses. We are after all, from Kansas City (BBQ mecca) and Chris is the manager of a fantastic BBQ joint in KC, so we’re bound to be a success, right? Not to mention people in KC will eat BBQ any time of the day from any vendor imaginable–pink creepo van pulled up to the corner selling unidentifiable meat drenched in KC Masterpiece? Heck yes. The future is bright kids :]

All grown up–Brad center, Chris to his right, me to his left

20 thoughts on “A Very Bad Idea”

  1. you know it’s hard enough for me to make friends and yet you continue to blog about me to the world. you even put up my picture so no one has to wonder what this level of insanity would look like……..I think I feel a hate moment coming on. lucky for you I can’t seem to locate my machete. just kidding the voice tells me I don’t need friends anyway.

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  3. My brother actually did throw steak knives at me as I ran down the driveway from our house. Even at the age of 46 he still won’t admit it. And he let a lizzard crawl on me as I slept on the couch. A really stupid place to sleep when you have a brother. I don’t think I would have survived more than one!

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  4. Love this! I’m from Memphis (the other BBQ capital) and I’m with ya…anybody selling anything with BBQ sauce on it out of a van would make a killing around here 🙂 I say do it!!
    I have 2 children – 9 yr old daughter and 7 yr old son. This post makes me hope for lifelong friendship and lots of fun memories for them (and reminds me to daily pray for their safety! ;)).

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  6. Brilliant! I can totally relate to the close love/hate bond you both have. I’m the same with my brother, probably because when you live in the country you tend to be forced to put up with your family more 😀 Loved it!

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  7. Reminds me of the time me, my sister, and my cousin went up to Grandma’s barn and found what was left of what we thought was a dead possum that may have been killed and eaten by what we convinced ourselves was a feral cat. Yeah…we never tried to sleep up there.

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  8. A sweet memoir, Kari. I love stories like these. My sister and I used to tease our little sister when we were kids. She had two threats… stab our eyes out with knitting needles or pour gasoline on our hair and light a match. She never tried and we laugh about it now, but she was serious then.

    I would truly love to come to KC someday, and eat BBQ from Kris and Kari’s Krazy Pink Van!

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    • My husband really did stab his sister with a knitting needle (in the leg, not the eye) because she broke his crayon…I mean, the kid’s an artist so a broken crayon was a pretty big deal :]

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  9. Oh my, I have not laughed this hard in I don’t know how long!!! For all of the folks who follow Kari’s blog I am one half of the “Parent of the Year” who locked Chris and Kari out that night. Wonderful memories of a wonderful time in life…wouldn’t trade having a big, crazy family for anything. I loved it when you were all growing up and I love it now as I see how you are all finding your way in the world. Keep writing and sharing…I look foward to every new entry!

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    • You have a gem of a daughter, Cheryl Ann, but don’t tell her I said that. Brad turned into a handsome man, but Chris looks a little shifty… and I’m sure he really knows how to sharpen knives now.

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