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Sometimes I want to go home.

I want to chase the sunset on its way to the west.

I want to take in the vast, sweeping Plains rolling flat for miles into the horizon.

I want to lie in the tall, stiff prairie grass and tromp through the corn fields prickly and magical as they are.

I want to feel the heat and humidity on my skin. I want to feel the dirt between my toes.

I want to hear the thunder rumble, feel the wind blow threatening and uncertain.

I talked to my little brother on the phone the other day. I asked him if he wanted to come for dinner. He asked what I was making. We talked like he would bring the bread for my butter. He is 1,000 miles away—or a million—it makes no difference, the distance is all the same.

Sometimes I want to go home.

I want to stop by my parent’s house on the way home from work just to say hi and I love you.

I want to meet my best friend in a coffee shop and talk over each other loud and fast like we always do.

I want to chase my nephews and kiss my nieces.

I want to fight with my brothers and shop with my sister-in-laws.

I want to gather around the table for Sunday dinner.

I left after college as fast as I could get away. I always knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be: Anywhere but there.

I ran fast and hard—and I got away.

I didn’t know then, when I was 22, how hard it would be to go back, how far I was from home.

I didn’t know when I was 22 how quickly life would change, how fast the babies would grow.

I didn’t know when I was 22 that I would ever want to hug my brothers, my stupid annoying brothers.

I didn’t know when I was 22 that the flat boring Plains were quietly magical, that home is a magic all its own.

I didn’t know until I was too far away, that distance could hurt so much. I didn’t know the place you call home is a part of your soul, woven into your very being.

I didn’t know when I was 22 that I would ever want to go home.

11 thoughts on “Home”

  1. This brought tears to my eyes, Kari. My parents just left visiting us–well, visiting their granddaughter–and it was harder for me than I thought it would be. I mean, Michigan is where I live now, right? It’s starting to feel like home, right? Nope. Not even close because there’s this part of my heart that longs to be back in KC–cursing the humidity, eating REAL BBQ, being close to my family. Home is so very far away, but for my wife, home is here, in Michigan. So, for that reason, I stay.

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    • I hear ya’. As much as I love New England, I’ve started to realize it will never really be home. Home is where you’re from. Home is where your family is. Darren’s family’s from here so that’s part of why we stay too. Sometimes having his family around actually makes it worse though because watching them together makes me miss my family all the more. Right now I’m just trying to fucus on settling in and being present in the place I’m supposed to be. I’m trying to make our house feel more like home for once. I’ve been here for four years now and I’m just now realizing that I need to get my head in the game and start living in the place God has me. Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts. It’s good to know I’m not the only one missing stupid ol’ KC :]

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  3. Thanks again for your beautiful writing. The spirit moves in different ways to point the way for each of us. I never left home, but at times family and friends from my past seem to be millions of miles away. They are near. I am reconnecting. Your writing today serves as a signpost on the side of the road.
    Thanks – Michael

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  4. Awe! I love what you wrote and commenter Cheryl! So sweet! Funny is I never wanted to leave home and now many years later with three little boys, with all my same friends and family and only 30 miles between us all, I wonder would it would be like to go away. I guess you never really know until you get to that place. Yet, I would have to agree, there is only one home – and I would place my bets on the one that raised you! Miranda Lambert sings an awesome song “The House That Built Me”…maybe you have heard it before!

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  5. I can’t begin to tell you how much I miss you. I think so often of our times together. Our late night cookie runs, Popcorn and watching movies. Sharing so much with each other. The fun we had as you grew into a beautiful young lady. The time I came to see you in MA. Laughing, crying, driving Darren nuts!! You are always in my heart, I love you Kari!

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  9. Do you know how very hard it is to read through tears? I love and miss you so very much and right now I would give ANYTHING to be back in my old, run down farmhouse with you and your brothers running around inside and outside, upstairs and down. Home, such a precious place we take for granted. October please come soon so I can wrap my arms around my girl and take in the pure joy of everybody being together again. Love you so much!

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  10. I left home at 19 when I got married (yeh, way too young). We have travelled the world, lived in one place longer than any other place and yet, my home is where I spent the first 19 years. I long to be there and I love this post, I can relate.

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