How to Be a Tree Hugger

When I was a girl I was always up a tree. The farm I grew up on spread out flat like a canvas dotted with so many different kinds of trees–apple, cherry, hedgewood, redbud, oak, juniper–it made no difference, I climbed them all.

We had a little orchard with apple, pear, cherry, peach, and plum trees. You do not know when you’re little what a privilege it is to walk out to the yard and pluck fresh fruit off a tree–local, organic, free–but the fruit meant nothing to me; it was the branches I cared about. We had an unusually large apple tree–the largest I’ve ever seen and I was fairly well persuaded as a child that it was planted right in that spot by Mr. Jonny Appleseed himself. The base of the tree was short and stout with a landing between two large branches that y’d out from the base. It was just the right height for little ole me to pull myself onto the landing and climb from there up the larger branches as high I could go before the skinnier and skinnier branches could no longer support my weight. The silver branches weaved together like a tapestry and formed a canopy overhead that guarded from the heat of the blazing sun and the cool drops of rain. I remember one year when the snow had already come and the apples were lush and red on that tree and my dad wanted to get the fruit in before it was all spoiled by the snow. I remember him climbing up into the tangled branches and dropping apples into my hands below.  I remember how cold it was in the wet snow. I remember after I had stayed for a while and all my brothers had gone back to the house, how my dad promised to pay me a dollar for staying with him and finishing the job. I remember caring nothing about the dollar–the comical sight of my dad all tangled like a cartoon character among the unruly branches that seemed to intentionally hold the fruit at arm’s length, just out of reach, was payment enough for me :] Many an hour I spent in and under that tree as a grew up on the prairie dreaming of bigger, better far away places…I have moved far from there now and have discovered no place better than the unsurpassable quiet found among the branches of that fat old apple tree.

We had a juniper tree tall, thin, and magnificent dotted with little blueish berries. I built a fort below it and climbed up its sticky, sap covered branches to look out for intruders and to watch the sunsets sweep across the sky in vain shades of pink and orange.

Across the yard, through the field, down into the woods, over the little bridge crossing the pond to the hedgewood tree I would march with my brothers. Here we built a fort together–and fought over its particular branches and landings from sunrise to sunset. Hedgewoods are not friendly trees; they are, with their thorny branches and rough bark, trees to be reckoned with and conquered. Their large green hedge apples filled with sticky glue were our weapons of choice when fighting for or defending the trees from which they came. The bright yellow wood hidden beneath the unassuming brown bark was too beautiful to burn and it always upset me when my dad insisted it burnt the longest and hottest and must be used for that purpose. I love fireplaces; I hate burning trees–they are simply too beautiful to burn.

We had three pine trees all standing in a row and in one of them we nailed a board here and there among the branches to sit on. I would climb up in that tree, find a cozy spot to lean back against the barky spine, open a book and there sit and read away the summer days until the sun finally gave out and settled behind the veil of the night sky.

Down through the fields, over the barbwire fence separating the neighbor’s land from our own, tip toe among the fat smelly black cows that so frightened me, and quick up into the tree with the enormous branch that grew straight out, stretching from the neighbor’s field across to our own. The neighbor’s were friends and did not care that I climbed their trees too. Here in the woods among the fat smelly black cows was my hideaway. Here the trees sat close together and the branches held hands overhead and the sun peeked through only in fleeting rays creating lacy sunshine patterns on the ground. Here the cows had trodden the grass into the dirt and left bare paths winding like a treasure map through the woods. Here I sat and grew up bit by bit, thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings that have made me who I am today.

Last night a lay in bed thinking about the woods and the trees and the vast prairies spreading out endlessly before me. I thought about the smell of the country and the rustle of the wheat and corn rocking in the hot summer wind. I thought about the landscape of my childhood–vast and wild. I thought about the trees, the smell of the leaves, the feel of the bark and branches, the view from above–and missed it all terribly and realized what a terrible tree hugger I really am.

Rest and Reflection

I’m a very goal-oriented person. I’m a planner and a list-maker. I generally have a good idea of where I want to be in the next five years and what steps I need to take to arrive on time. In the areas where I am not as driven and organized, leave it to my husband to fill in the gaps. So you take two driven people who know what they want and you end up with constant motion and planning. We don’t slow down. Sometimes this is great–it’s great when you reach a goal and when you’re happy with where you are in life. But anything, however good, can be a problem if it’s taken too far. With constant motion, comes fatigue and burn out. Sometimes all the planning and counting, working and moving–all the good intentions to accomplish your best can destroy the beauty of where you already are and what you already have.

Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is to be still and be quiet.

Even though it’s hard for me to sit still, I’m learning that not always doing something is a very important part of everything I do. I’m learning to make time for down time and learning not to worry about what people will think even if they find out I purposely sleep in until like freaking lunch time one day a week. No alarm clock. No making a list of all the things I have to do that day. Just sleep until I wake up rested. And guess what? I usually get more done on those days anyway because I am rested.

I still sometimes feel guilty–even when I’m sitting here tapping out my thoughts, I feel like I should be doing something else, something more productive than babbling on the internet. But charting your thoughts and stirring thoughts in others isn’t such a waste of time, is it? And here I am again, justifying my lack of motion as if every moment of stillness need be weighed and accounted for. If you must find justification for every moment of stillness, just ask God, he will back you up.

When God was tired, he didn’t just take a nap, he took a retreat–forty days alone in the wilderness for prayer, rest, and reflection. He didn’t just suggest the Sabbath as a good idea but actually made it one of the Ten Commandments–he only chose ten and rest was one of them.

After spending the first couple years of our marriage working full-time and never seeing each other because of schedule differences, my husband and I both quit our jobs and started over. We had to take a pay cut which meant cutting other things out too and it was scary at first, but you know what? It worked out and we made it and I’ve never been happier. Getting to slow down and spend time with my husband was worth the chance we took. Now, as we plan (of course, we have to have a plan!) for the future, our goals are not so centered on advancing our careers or making heaps of money as they are on building a quiet, peaceful life together. We want to live in the country on a big farm where we can raise a family and build a slow, meaningful life together. We want to take our time and enjoy our days and get our rest–even if that means taking a pay cut or doing without a thing or two here and there–we learned early, the hard way, that a paycheck can never pay for time together.

As I was mulling over all these ideas, I came across this blog post that was Freshly Pressed here on WordPress. The author beautifully summed up my own thoughts before I could do it myself; I hope you will read her words.

Dealing With Regret

“It could have all turned out differently, I suppose. But it didn’t.” Jane Austen in Mansfield Park

Jane Austen was a master at studying and communicating human nature through the written word. This one sentence speaks volumes to me, simply, because it quiets so many of the “would have, could have, should have been” thoughts that haunt us about past mistakes and missed opportunities. It is true, the smallest change in circumstances could have changed everything–but it didn’t and nothing is accomplished by wishing it had.

My grandma told me a story about my great-grandparents flipping a coin to decide whether they would move from Kansas to Colorado or Missouri. The coin landed on the Missouri side and so every generation following them also lived in Missouri. At the flip of a coin I could have been a Colorado girl, or perhaps, not been at all–but I am and I am a Missouri girl–nothing can change that, for better or worse.

The same is true when my husband and I were deciding where to live after we got married. I didn’t want to stay in Missouri and he didn’t want to stay in Maine so, on a whim, we chose Massachusetts. We could have chosen any place any where and everything could have turned out differently–but it didn’t. The whole of our married lives hinged on the not-very-well thought out whims of two 20 something year olds who knew nothing about the impact that decision would make–but it was made and it cannot now be unmade (and fortunately, it was not a mistake!).

Quite simply, we must not live our lives in the past, ever dwelling on how things could have turned out differently–if only. There is no “if only”; there is only today.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

-Robert Frost

The Pier at Old Orchard Beach

This is a short post but I just wanted to share one of my favorite places in New England–the pier at Old Orchard Beach in Maine.  The pier, or under the pier actually, is the perfect place to escape the sun and the crowd and to sit back and enjoy a good book and the sound of the ocean rolling in. Actually, I was so relaxed last time that my sandals washed out to sea and I had to chase after them like a fool.

Around Vermont

Vermont seems to be one of the go-to vacation places for New Englanders–especially when you want to get away from everything for a while. We went camping in two different parts of Vermont this summer–first in South Londonderry which is in southern Vermont and then in Barton, which is in northern Vermont (just about 30 miles from Canada I think). Here are a few pictures and highlights from our little camping adventures (some pictures are from last year but I really wanted to share them

This is Crystal Lake in Barton–Darren’s family has camped here every year since before he was born; this was my fifth year camping here.

Every year when we’re in Barton we go to the Orleans County Fair. This year at the fair I tried fried dough for the first time and am absolutely and irreversibly in love with it; I should have taken a picture but I ate it too fast to stop and snap a shot; I also road the ferris wheel which terrified me

On our way home from camping in S. Londonderry we stopped in Brattleboro and explored the shops on Main Street. We had lunch at a sandwich shop called The Works–it was so yummy! The food was so fresh and flavorful–I wish it was closer so we could go more often. The building was really cool too–they used lots of recycled and refurbished items from the local area to create a very arty, unique look. Here’s a couple of pictures of the food and the shop

Vermont just sustained heavy damage from floods caused by hurricane Irene so I’m not sure how downtown Brattleboro looks today but if you ever get the chance to visit the city, be sure to check out The Works–also, Beadniks, a fun unique shop also on Main Street–they sell vintage toys and games and beautiful greeting cards and beads of course; we spent a good part of an hour in there checking out all the fun stuff–some of the games and toys brought back memories from when we were kids, like pongo sticks  and paddle boards. Click on the links below to check out The Works and Beadnicks!

Beadniks

The Works

Finding Life in Death

I’m writing this post about being a widow for, and with the permission of, my friend Ashley who became a young widow last year.

Ashley and I became friends haphazardly–we had gone to the same church for years but had never connected until we ran into each other one day at the mall and struck up a conversation—which ended with us deciding to room together in college that fall.

Ashley is what I like to call crazy. I love her but she is crazy. She is epically distractible and shockingly funny and always in trouble. Ashley road to her wedding in a police car–in her wedding dress and veil and no, this wasn’t planned. Ashley rides most places in a police car as far as I can tell. Every time I talk to her, she tells me about another encounter with another crazy small town cop who has no idea what to do with her. She has a warrant out for her arrest–not because she’s done anything so bad, but because she’s done a couple little things (speeding tickets, etc.) and just can’t quite remember to make her court dates. The last time I talked to Ashley, she made me laugh like a hyena with her stories about Uncle Virg and their night out on the town–getting kicked out of the town and an art museum in the same night. Sometimes I think she has to be making these stories up because there is no way anyone could actually have a life this eventful–but then you spend a day with her and know it’s all true.

I, on the other hand, have never been pulled over much less arrested. I’m the quiet type. I would rather stay home and write and create things and mind my own business. So basically when we’re together, I do things I wouldn’t normally do and Ashley stays out of jail–it’s a beautiful thing.

So imagine the two of us–stubborn, sure of ourselves–but with polarizing differences trying to share a tiny dorm room (with two other girls, by the way) while surviving on no sleep, caffeine highs, and the stresses of college life. By the end of the first semester, Ashley had moved across the hall because we just couldn’t deal with each other. We remained friends, but went our separate ways both in college and after. We graduated, married, and started out on life. Ashley and her husband went to Africa then came back and settled in a house they built together in Missouri. My husband and I went to Massachusetts.

Then in August 2010 Ashley’s husband of two years was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was up in Maine and my mom tried calling me all day to let me know. When I found out, it took a minute to actually process what my mom was saying—Ashley’s husband was dead. I was shocked. We were still so young. Ashley was only 25. We had all just gotten married and started on our lives–how could Cliff, at 26, be dead? I remember walking back to my mom-in-laws house and standing in her kitchen while she cooked; she wanted to know if everything was okay and I muttered no and told her my friend’s husband had died and I lost it. I rarely cry but I cried then, right in front of my mom-in-law and she held onto me and prayed right there that everything would be okay–but it couldn’t be okay, Ashley couldn’t be okay. This was the worst thing imaginable and it had happened to somebody I loved.

I was so worried about Ashley. What would she do? Would she make it through this? What do I say and do? “What” was the only question I had and no answer to go with it. I started writing Ashley on Facebook and we reconnected. At one point, I mentioned on Facebook that I was reading “Walden Pond” by Thoreau and Ashley commented on how much Cliff loved Thoreau and how they had always wanted to see Walden Pond. I told Ashley Walden wasn’t far from here and that if she could ever come for a visit, we would spend a day at Walden. That sealed the deal and Ashley flew in for a visit in late April.

I was nervous about her visiting because I didn’t know what to say or not say and didn’t know what she would be like. My sis-in-law and I picked her up at the airport in Boston and we talked a little about our college years and what an adventure it was trying to live together. We rode the train into the city and hung out for a while in Quincy Market. I didn’t exactly mention to Ashley that I had ridden the train into the city from home and there was therefore no place to put her bag so the poor thing had to drag her rolling suitcase all over the cobblestone streets of Boston while my sis-in-law and I laughed ourselves into hysterics watching her–always there to support. The first thing I noticed about Ashley when she got in was that she hadn’t lost her sense of humor; she was telling stories about her family and we were laughing so hard people were turning around glaring at us. The whole time Ashley was in Massachusetts was like that–filled with laughter, fun, memories, craziness suggested by Ashley and carried out by me (I have not before or since stolen anything from a state park)–it was the most fun I had in forever.

I was amazed by how well Ashley was doing. She was laughing and talking openly about Cliff and part of me thought this all must be an act to hide how much pain she was actually in; she’s just laughing and telling stories to distract from the heartache, I thought. But then Ashley and I talked on the phone a couple of days ago and she said something that changed me and my understanding of her and others who have lost loved ones–she said her sense of humor saved her life. She said people probably thinks it’s a little irreverent to be talking and laughing so much after losing her husband, but who are those people to tell her how to respond to and deal with her own heartache?

People always have a script they expect you to follow and when you veer from their expectations, they criticize you for not behaving as you should (or as they think you should). Ashley said people are ready to move on with their lives but expect her to be doom and gloom in order to portray her heartache–otherwise she just must not have loved Cliff enough or must not miss him enough. It’s a double sentence; have your world ripped away from you and then live under the assuming eyes and judgments of others with your every word and action.

I have learned a lot about both life and death from Ashley. I’ve learned that death is undiscriminating.  I’ve learned that the thoughts you have and things you do following a death do not always make sense to even you and especially not to other people. Ashley told me about sitting on the bathroom floor crying when the toothpaste ran out because it was the last of the toothpaste she and Cliff had both used. Every end becomes another little death of something you shared. I have learned that it’s ok to talk about the person who died and making that person an unspeakable is one of the worst things you can do because the one who has to go on wants to talk and remember and doesn’t want the person they loved to be something they can’t talk about. I’ve learned it’s okay to laugh and enjoy life after death–that this is a road to healing and survival and not a belittling of the one who is gone. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as a “normal” way to behave after death–that each person must survive and deal with their loss in their own way. I’ve learned not to say, “I’m sure there’s someone else out there for you” because that makes them feel like the one they lost was just wasting time holding a place until someone else comes along. Not to say, “time heals all wounds” because time does nothing. I’ve learned not to put the person on a timeline and expect them to be to at certain place by a certain time. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be mad at or hurt by God after death; I believe God understands.

I’ve learned that death is no laughing matter but sometimes to survive, laughing is all you can do.

Have You Tried Love?

A couple of things I’ve learned about counseling are—1) you can’t help someone unless they want to be helped and 2) usually once someone is ready for help, they already know what needs to be done and just need to get out there and do it. Sometimes people do get lost in the jumble of life and need some direction; sometimes they need a word of encouragement or a good kick in the pants, but for the most part, they don’t need hours of counseling and therapy, they need to get out there and do best what they know they should have been doing all along. Honestly, so much just comes down to love. If you want a better marriage, a better parent/child relationship, a better relationship with coworkers or whoever, loving these people will go so far.

 Love is:

Patient

Kind

Love Doesn’t:

Envy

Boast

Love is not:

Arrogant

Rude

Insistent on its own way

Irritable

Resentful

And does not rejoice at wrong doing but rejoices at the truth

Love:

Bears all

Believes all

Hopes all

Endures all

Love never ends.

So before you give up on a marriage, child, coworker, friend, whoever—try loving them in real actions (not just in thought or word, but in action). It’s hard to fight with someone who is patient, kind, humble, polite, giving, and puts up with you no matter what. It’s nearly impossible to get along with someone who’s impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, arrogant, rude, selfish, irritable, resentful, and doesn’t believe in you. So think about your actions or inactions. What are you telling the people around you by the way you behave around them? Can this problem be solved if you were a little more loving? Probably. It’s worth a try at least, right?

See 1 Corinthians 13

Salisbury Beach

Salisbury, Massachusetts

The sun is proud and intense drenching us in its hottest summer rays.

I love the way the water changes colors as it rolls to land—morphing from navy blue in the depths, to green in the rising waves, to the purest white sea-foam as it comes crashing to shore, and finally, brown as it mingles with the sand and is drawn back out to sea.

The waves hollow out pockets in the sand that fill with bubbling water and catch your unsuspecting feet in their grasp. The shallow water pulling over these pockets stirs the sand, causing it to rise in wispy billows like dark storm clouds beneath the waves.

Sometimes I wonder how I could have grown up so far from the ocean (in Missouri, a land-locked state). And then I watch the waves as they billow and roll and somehow it reminds me of home and the vast, sweeping Plains. The waves swell and sigh like the corn and wheat rocking and bowing to the wind and two places so different somehow seem so much the same—vast, boundless, and loud with their silence.

Misquamicut Beach

Westerly, Rhode Island

The ocean rumbles, crashes, swirls, and spins. The waves lap, roll, build until they smash against the shore. This is a place of constant motion, constant churning sound—and yet it is quiet, peaceful. The ocean with its billowing waves sings a lullaby of rest. It breathes it briny breath and kisses my face with saltwater kisses. A tiny bird hops and frolics on the beach in the shadow of the violent crushing waves. A ladybug works on her tan. The water rolls in undulating, ever-changing shades of green then brown before morphing against the sand into perfectly white sea foam.  The ocean is timeless and yet never the same.