Terrifying Love

I have always struggled with fear. When I was dating, I was afraid of giving my heart to the wrong kind of guy and getting hurt. Now that I’m happily married, I’m terrified of losing the man I love to sickness or an accident. I would tell myself that there’s nothing to worry about and everything is going to be fine but I’ve known too many people who have gone through tremendous heartache to in any way believe that I’m somehow immune to hurt and loss.

When Darren and I were dating, I almost broke up with him because I thought he was too good to be true and there must be something I don’t know that will break my heart down the road. I almost missed the best thing that’s ever happened to me because of fear. Love takes tremendous vulnerability. Love means opening your heart and life up to someone in the most intimate way not fully knowing how that person will respond or how careful they will be with your heart and life. But if you ever want to really love someone, you must be willing to take this leap of faith. You must have the courage to take risks, to love even though love opens your heart and life up to vulnerability and the chance of excruciating pain–the risks must be taken to know both the heights and depths of love.

Now that Darren and I are married and I no longer worry that’s he’s going to hurt me, I still fear losing him. I have never had so much to lose and now such a loss seems unbearable. But in loving Darren and giving my heart to him, I have learned one thing: If I lost Darren tomorrow, no matter how much it hurts, the hurt is worth the joy of having loved him. If we have but a day left together, I would still have married him three years age. The agonizing loss is worth the immense joy.

Don’t be afraid to love. Even if you get hurt, don’t let past hurts and mistakes keep you from future love and happiness. Love is worth the risk.

13 thoughts on “Terrifying Love

  1. I’m glad I came across this. Wow! I’m dealing with this right now- “I thought he was too good to be true and there must be something I don’t know that will break my heart down the road” -concerning the man I’m in a relationship with. This is someone I met 8 years ago and has waited for me all along as I dabbled in my singleness like a silly little girl with all the wrong guys. He waited and has shown me grace and offered me forgiveness for my past mistakes. I just blogged a few seconds ago about how God knew exactly what I’m needed and I’m finally seeing it! It’s like – this is too perfect, this is too good, how can a wonderful man love an undeserving girl like me and want me by his side. Why did he wait? And now that we’re here – together – will he tolerate me forever? will i lose him? it’s scary. But I’m letting myself go. For years, I guarded my heart to the point of completely ignoring my feelings about anything at all! My friends joke about my “heartlessness”… I could go months without crying or feeling sad, or anything at all. But this guy has broken through. He’s done something to me – God’s used him to heal me from past hurts. I don’t want to lose him. thank for writing this blog. I love it. (sorry to throw up all over your comments area.)

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  2. Oh that nearly made me cry. I am, after two years of being with the most loving and caring and kindest man ever, still not able to fully accept his love. At times I just want to run for the hills, other times I am deeply happy. But there is still a big, big wall that holds all the past fear I have encountered.
    Thank you for your encouragement!
    Your posts are full of insight!
    Love
    Anna

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  3. “Terrifying Love” is a great title for this post. I am 51 years old and have never been married. I have been hitchhiking the United States for most of 15 years now. Over a year ago, this beautiful young lady gave me a ride from Idaho to Montana. I first met her in 2003. I spent a little time with her over the next couple of months and then I fell in love with her–it felt like I was run over by a freight train. And it was terrifying–this had never happened to me before. (when a man looks at a beautiful woman, he loses his brains)

    I am not sure what the future brings in regard to this relationship. I am still on the road and I am not making any money, but God knows what is going to happen. I think there is a lot of vulnerability in falling in love with someone. I haven’t seen her in over a year. Right now I am helping some friends in Northern California and she is living in Wyoming.

    This was a very good post. Your blog is a real gift to those who read it. God bless you.

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  4. What if the fear takes over. What if its something you can never get past? I am finding myself in that situation. I am head over heels for Peter but there seems to be fear or heartbreak that stops me completely giving into him and I am starting to think it may never pass.

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  5. I know all too well what you’re referring too and I have lost my husband if even for a short while. It is so amazing how God fills the voids in your life right when you need Him. I’ve known the pain of that loss and have had no control over the outcome. The true test is in learning again to become vulnerable and transparent and trusting and ultimately loving. I have seen much joy through the trials and can only thank God for the chance to love again.

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    • Caryn, you are such an amazing example of this! Your life is such an incredible testimony of grace and faith and it’s so amazing to see how God can heal broken hearts and restore what was lost. Its people like you that help me see and believe that whatever happens, God will never leave me and will always give the grace I need to get through. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  6. Wow, its the same thing that’s been going through my head. Everyday when we go to work, I make sure the last thing i say to him is something loving or cute. I hate when he runs an errand by himself and sometimes sit at the window waiting for him when i think he’s been gone too long. Then i remind myself that God’s got it all under control. Thanks for your blog post, it was a real encouragement!

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    • Jennifer, Thanks so much for commenting! I worry about Darren every time he goes somewhere without me, but like you said, we just have to trust that God is watching over us and doing what’s best (even if that sometimes means facing heartache).

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  7. Melodie, I try to remind myself too that if anything ever happens to Darren, then God is in control and he isn’t going to do anything just for the sake of hurting me. I watch the amazing women in my life who have lost thier husband or someone else they love and God’s grace and strength are so evident–it gives me the hope and courage I need to face whatever God brings. Thanks for all your encouraging comments! It means a lot that you take the time to read and write. I love your food blog–I’m crazy about Italian food and look forward to trying the recipes you share :]

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  8. my heart echoes this whole heartedly! and i often fear the same thing of losing Tom… but I too know that it would be worth it, having had this time together and having enjoyed this love that we share together.

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