Change.

The leaves are falling like rain outside my window. My baby boy, who is three months old already, sits across the room from me sound asleep in his swing. His little feet poke up over the end because, though I’ve told him to stop, he just keeps growing and changing as if he doesn’t need my permission to do so. I was hoping he would be my sweet snuggly baby forever but he insists on growing up as fast as he can.

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Yesterday I made the mistake of looking through pictures from when he was born. When I realized how much he’s already changed I panicked a little and asked Darren if we could have another baby; you should have seen his face :]

When I think about my life just one year ago, I can’t believe how much it’s changed. It was just me and Darren and our life was all about work and travel and building a home. We still work and talk about travel and are still building the same stupid home but how different life is now with the this little guy along for the ride.

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I’ve never been one to resist change, actually, I think I crave it. I like adventure and I like trying new things. But I’ve noticed this year that change is fast becoming one of my least favorite things. I didn’t want it to be fall because that meant summer was over. And I don’t want the leaves to go because that means we will soon be swept away into winter.

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Over the last few weeks as I’ve walked around the neighborhood with Roman in his stroller, I’ve looked up at the leaves painted proudly in orange and red and gold. I’ve felt the air grow crisp around me and noticed the way the whole world smells like a big cup of hot tea with all the dry leaves. Then last week when I was walking around, I noticed I wasn’t looking up at the trees anymore but at the ground where all the fallen leaves now pool in colorful piles along the way. It made my heart ache a little to think even fall will soon be done and gone as well.

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I gathered a handful of leaves for Roman’s baby book…a little memory of his first year in this brand new world when he changed me and brightened my world as much as the painted leaves have changed and brightened the world around us.

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Babies are art; they are paint brushes who color and change everything they touch. I will never be the same after having him, nor do I want to be. I only want time to slow down—so I can hold my baby a little longer and not have my heart-broken by him growing up so very, very fast.

6 thoughts on “Change.

  1. this made me cry with the beauty and love with which it was written. I knew your life would change and indeed, it has. The joy and wonder of babies is just the beginning. To see him sit and crawl and creep and walk and then run, while telling you of his adventures is another joy. When my girls were little I used to say that each stage was my favorite, until I realized they were my favorite and it didn’t matter what they did, they had captured my heart and held it hostage. This is beautiful and how blessed he is in having a mother so in tune to what a glorious creation our Lord has given her. Thank you for this, it is beautiful. DAF

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  2. When you pen these kinds of thoughts, it is your writing at it’s best. The first paragraph is magic. But, I must say, Kari Ann… It may seem like a stupid house, but it will never be a stupid home. Love the last photo.

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  3. Change…How can it be that my “little girl” is married, has a precious three month old son and is writing so beautifully? I really thought it was only yesterday that I had six little munchkins running around my house and that somehow that is what my life would always be like..at least for a little longer than it was…and then…it changed. But the change has been good too because I know have twelve children and 13 precious grandbabies, I like that part of the change. Beautifully written Kari, enjoy every single, precious moment of the life God has blessed you with.

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