Category Archives: Archives + Other

Don’t Waste Your Pain

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If you go through something terrible and don’t learn anything from it, you are wasting your own heartache. I believe everything that happens in my life, good or bad, is meant to change and instruct me.

The way I grew up was not easy, not terrible, but certainly not easy. Sometimes I look back and think life was unfair; I think I would have been better off if everything had gone differently.

On better days I look back and realize that all those hard times helped me become who I am. Not only am I stronger but I know now just how strong I can be. I know what I can do without. I know what life looks like from the other side and can better empathize with people. Yes, life could have been easier, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it would have been better. I would not be who I am today had I traveled any other road.

Sometimes pain is the only teacher able to speak loudly enough to get my attention. C.S. Lewis said,

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

He’s right. The good things in my life keep me going but the bad things bring me to my knees and force me to grow and change in ways beyond my comfort.

I have a very good life but sometimes I get caught up in the things that are difficult, the things I would like to be different. Today I am reminded that every season of life is filled with purpose. There is something in today’s troubles that will instruct me in tomorrow’s troubles if I’m willing to learn and be made better by whatever I’m going through.

One thing I know for sure, I don’t want to go through a hard time for nothing. If I’m going to struggle then I at least want to come out on the other side having learned and changed into a stronger, more mature person.

Don’t waste your pain; use it, grow from it, be made better by it…just don’t ever waste it.

“I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.”

Donald Miller

One Year From Now

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I heard someone say if you want to have clear ambitions and reach goals in your life you should ask yourself where you want to be in a year, five years, or ten years from now. Once you know where you want to be in five or ten years you can start figuring out the smaller daily steps for reaching that goal on time.

I’ve thought a lot about where I want to be one year from now. When 2013 slips into 2014, where do I want to be in my life? What do I want to have accomplished or overcome? What do I want to be different about who I am or what I’m doing? And in turn, what small steps do I need to take each day throughout this upcoming year to reach those goals?

Here are some of the things I want from 2013 in no particular order:

I Want to Relax and Do Things That Scare Me:

I promise to calm down, live life, and stop worrying about all the “what if’s” so much.

I promise to go inner tubing with my husband even though it scares me and washes my eye makeup off—which leaves me looking like a scared, 12-year-old boy 8]

Because you miss out on so much of living when you’re too afraid to try.

I Want to Build a Better Relationship with My Husband:

I promise to go back to the ice cream stand where I fell in love with Darren. The place where I said something “inappropriate” and Darren laughed so hard he almost snorted ice cream up his nose. The place where Darren smeared ice cream in my face and I knew right then that I loved him and wasn’t about to live without him. The place where he was no longer just a guy I liked but became the guy I knew I would spend the rest of my life with. I promise to go back…and this time I’m smearing ice cream in his face :]

Because I don’t want to miss a moment with the man I love so much.

I Want to Capture the Fleeting Beauty of Each Day:

I promise to capture the moments. The fireflies and star-lit skies. The flowers, the leaves, the people and places. All the magic that makes our days.

I promise to take my camera with me everywhere because there are moments to be captured and remembered—moments I’ll never get again.

I promise to develop better photography skills so I can better capture the world around me.

I promise to learn to draw and sketch as best I can so I will have the ability to capture and recreate the beauty all around me.

Because, the world is full of magic you know; it’s all around us if we will open our eyes and see. It’s ours to keep if we will slow down and take it.

I Want to Have More Discipline Over My Body:

I promise to get in good enough shape to climb Mount Washington because Darren loves it up there at the top and I’ve never experienced that place so important to him with him.

I promise to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained because I’m tired of not feeling good about my body.

I promise to get in good enough shape to ride my heavy 1-speed bike up and down the hills and all over the place.

  • I will do this by getting up early enough to work out for 30 minutes each weekday before work.
  • I will replace my daily coffee with tea during the week.
  • I will control the portion sizes I eat.
  • I will buy and prepare healthy meals for my family

Because it’s crazy to let 15 pounds keep me from being healthy and happy in my own skin.

I Want to Go On Quiet Little Adventures:

I promise to go camping beside the ocean and watch the sun rise over the water.

I promise to explore Acadia on my heavy 1-speed.

Because life doesn’t have to be boring unless you’re a boring person. Why be bored when there is so much life to be lived, so much to see and do?

I Want to Make Time for People and Community:

I promise to have people over for dinner.

I promise to make our home a warm, inviting place where people always know they’re welcome.

I promise to go home and see my family even though tickets are expensive.

I promise to spend time with friends and stop complaining about how I’m too busy.

Because people are more important than my schedule.

I Want to Read More:

I promise to spend more time reading and less time watching TV and messing around on the internet.

I promise to invest money into books.

Because whole worlds live in the pages of a book and I don’t want to miss out on a single lesson or story.

I Want to Improve My Blog:

I promise to invest the time and patience it takes to build a beautiful, meaningful blog.

I promise to slow down and write thoughtfully.

Because blogging is an amazing outlet and opportunity I don’t want to waste by being lazy and impatient.

I Want to Have More Financial Discipline:

I promise to stick to our budget.

I promise to stop looking for things to want.

I promise to be thankful for and content with what I have.

Because there is so much more in this world to love than fleeting, material things.

I might make a baby too…

Because…

I’m tired of waiting for life to begin at some other place and time.

This one year, no matter what it is, no matter what it’s not—this one year I’ll never get again.

One year from now I want to look back at this post and see all the things I did, not just things I talked about doing. One year from now I want to have pictures, sketches, words, and stories from a year of live lived meaningfully. A year from now I want to be closer to my husband, my God, my friends, and my family. I want to have gone on adventures and faced my fears. I want to look back with peace and satisfaction—not regret.

To do this will mean taking small steps every day. It will mean getting out of bed earlier than I want to to work out…I hate working out. Sometimes it will mean saying yes to something that scares me and sometimes it will mean saying no to something I want. It will mean making choices—choosing one thing over another because each day comes only with limited time and opportunity to choose what’s most important.

I have no idea what the next 365 days will hold—happiness, heartache, adventure, mistakes…some of each, I’m sure.

Wherever this road leads, whatever I face, I hope only that I will come out on the other side a little bit different. A little bit changed.

What do you hope for in 2013? Where do you want to be one year from now and how will you get there on time?

Just Listen

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Sometimes people tell me their problems and I don’t know what to say. I want to fix everything for them. I want to give good advice and solve all their problems. But as it turns out, I’m just a kid and I haven’t learned how to solve very many problems yet.

When I don’t have answers I wonder why people tell me their problems in the first place. A friend tells me about trouble with her husband. I listen. I sympathize. I encourage. But I don’t solve her problem. Another friend tells me about trouble with her kids. I don’t even have kids but I listen, and sympathize, and encourage anyway but still solve no problems.

The other day Mr. Husband was telling me about a problem at work. It was a complicated thing—something to do with reading through 100’s of pages of blueprints and specs trying to find an answer. He was getting frustrated and I was getting confused. He knew I knew nothing of what he was talking about. I don’t read blueprints and I don’t solve aerospace conundrums. But he told me all about his problem anyway and I sat and listened anyway.

And that’s when it occurred to me: He doesn’t care if I solve his problem; he just wants me to listen. Of course I have no answers. Of course he will still have to figure this problem out on his own. But sometimes it helps just to talk things through. Sometimes you find the answer you’re looking for just by talking through a problem out loud.

So now I see when my friends tell me their troubles, they aren’t necessarily looking for answers. Maybe they’re just looking to be heard and understood. Maybe they just need to talk through a problem out loud. Maybe they just need to know they aren’t alone and when they need to talk they have someone who will listen.

I’m learning to be that person who will simply listen. I may not have answers but I have two ears, and sometimes, two ears are the only answer anyone needs.

Learning to Need Other People

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For the last four years I have lived in Massachusetts—a thousand miles from my family, friends, and the place where I grew up—1,367 miles to be exact. I love it and I hate it here and it seems the divide in my heart spans wider and wider each year.

New England is beautiful and filled with culture and history. There is always something new to see and do. I love being close to the ocean and the mountains and all the beautiful old cities. I love living close to Darren’s brother and his family. I love the friends I have made here. But I miss my family and my home. I miss the Midwest prairies and lazy afternoons spent with family doing nothing but just being together.

Truth be told, and it isn’t easy for me to say, I am very lonely here. I’m lonely without my family and friends and that place called home—nothing fills that void in my heart because nothing and no one else can.

This week I thought a lot about being lonely. Probably because it was Thanksgiving and we were up with all of Darren’s family for the holiday and I was missing being with my family.

I thought about why I am so lonely here even after four years. I thought about why I haven’t built more friendships and community. Why am I so alone in this place even after all this time?

In thinking through all these things, I realized something about myself. I realized I don’t ever want to need other people. I already knew I’m hard to get to know—I’ve been told that many times. But I never realized the reason I’m so hard to get to know is because I don’t want to need other people or let them in. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to look like I’m not all put together. I don’t want to look like I need help with anything or need to learn anything. I want to be in control and be fine all by myself.

Only I’m not.

I’m lonely. And I’m tired. And I’m tired of being alone and trying to look like I don’t need any help.

I need friendship, I need community, I need other people to help me find my way and grow.

I think about when Darren and I start a family and the thought of raising children in this place by myself scares me. I won’t have my mom. I won’t have my grandma or my sister-in-laws (except for the one wonderful sister-in-law I do have here on Darren’s side). I don’t know anything about babies or children. I don’t know when they’re supposed to eat or sleep or how to tell when they’re sick. And I don’t want to figure any of these things out by myself. I want—and need–friendship and community. I need moms and mentors who can help me learn the things I don’t know.

I need other people.

Like it or not, I’m not all put together and I can’t do everything on my own. And if I keep chasing people away by pretending that I’m fine by myself, then I will never be able to build the friendships and community I need.

So I’m learning.

I’m learning to let people in. Learning to admit that I am tired, and lonely, and I need other people.

I have this quiet prayer in my heart right now—that God would give me moms and mentors and that I would have the humility to accept their love and help when they come.

Because I need help, and I need people, and I’m tired of pretending I can do all of this on my own.

I Thought You Should Know…

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This morning an elderly woman walks into Dunkin’ Donuts and painstakingly selects 12 donuts. The cashier gets all the donuts in the box and seals it up to hand to the woman and she says, “Oh no! That’s not what I meant to do! I came in here for a gift card!” True story :]

That is all.

Love, Kari

Your Heart Goes With You

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I sometimes catch myself thinking it will be easier to be happy, content, loving, giving, or whatever when something in my life changes. When I have that house I’m waiting for. When I start a family. When I’m anywhere but here.

I was thinking the other day about how life would be easier at some later point and it hit me: Life will be the same because your heart goes with you.

What I mean by that is when I have that house I’ve been waiting for, I’ll still have the same heart moving into it with me. If I’m unhappy or discontent in my heart without that house, my unhappy heart will go with me and find something else to be unhappy about.

I know this is true because it’s happened a thousand times before. I now have many things I once thought would change everything. And even though all those things are nice and do add some happiness to my life, they do not fundamentally change who I am or how I look at life—that starts in the heart.

My favorite blogger said, “Your looks are only a carrier of your soul.”

She’s right not only about the physical appearance but physical circumstances and possessions too. How I look, where I live, and the circumstances around me matter only on a material level and change all the time. But my heart and soul, who I am on the inside and how I live and think on the inside—that’s what really matters no matter what changes on the outside.

My heart and soul go with me. Everywhere, every time. I hope I can learn to grow each day in the place and circumstances where I find myself.

The way we live life is a choice we make every single day and today, I choose to make the right choices.

Those Who Inspire

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I know a guy who followed a girl to Africa.

That girl is his wife.

She inspires him, it’s obvious—you can see it in the way he talks about her, the way he looks at her, and in the way he pursues so much more with his life because of her. If you talk to him for very long you can tell she makes him want to be a better man, she makes him want to do more with his life. I knew him in college. He was funny and well-liked but a bit of a drifter— now he’s dead focused on a mission and he’s pouring his life into helping other people.

I watch this couple and I wonder if I inspire others the way she inspires him. Do I inspire my own husband to be his best self? Or do I frustrate and discourage him in a world already filled with obstacles?

It’s so easy to be a downer, to always see the obstacles and the impossibility of a situation. Honestly, I think a lot of times I’m quick to tell my husband to quit. I tell him it’s too hard or not worth the time and money. I tell him not to try, not to take the risk.

What if my friend’s wife had told her husband the same things? What if she told him Africa was too far, too dangerous, or not worth the time and money? He would be a different person on a different road in life—and the people he touches in Africa would be on a different road too.

It’s funny because watching her inspire him inspires me too. She makes me want to be a better wife and person. She makes me want to look beyond the challenges and see the possibilities.

I hope going forward I can help my husband and those around me face the world with hope and courage. I hope I can speak to the beauty and wonder all around us each day. I hope I can learn to overcome my own negativity and grow into a woman of faith and courage.

Inspiration can be beautifully contagious—spread some.

Words

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Dear One,

You say you want to know me; I’m afraid you never will. I’ve seen the way you are. I’ve heard the words you speak. I’ve watched your actions closely and know better than to let you in.

You are friends with everyone in the room…until everyone leaves.

You flatter to the face only to tear down behind the back.

How can I trust you after what I’ve seen? How can I open up and share my heart when your words would break the hearts of those who love and trust you?

How can I trust you’re not talking badly about me when I’ve heard your harsh words about so many others?

I can’t. I can’t trust you and I won’t let you in.

You’re not safe. You think you cover your tracks. You think your words are never known to the one you’re speaking about—and maybe they aren’t. But I’ve seen too much.

You make me want to hide. I stay silent to protect myself from you and the things you will say.

And yet, I know from what I’ve seen, that you talk about me too. I know when I’m not there to defend myself you are critiquing and criticizing my every fault and shortcoming.

I could never be good enough for you—no one can. No one is outside your reach or beyond your words

And yet you say you want to know me.

Why would I ever let you in?

It’s a fearful thing to let someone in. It’s scary to share your story, your faults and fears. It would be mad to share such vulnerabilities with someone you know will turn on you.

My secrets aren’t safe with you and so you’ll never know them. I speak my heart to you and you share my secrets with ten others.

Do you think talking about my problems will fix them? Do you tear me down to build yourself up?

Love could change everything, you know.

If you could love others in spite of their faults. If you could encourage rather than criticize. If you could hold your tongue and open your heart—that could change everything.

If I could trust you, then I could let you in. If I felt safe with you and loved by you, then you could know me.

I know you think you’re helping. I know you think we all have problems you need to fix. But that isn’t how this works. Backbiting never healed a wound, never fixed a problem.

If you could listen and not repeat.

If you could take the good with the bad and respect the journey we are each on.

Then you could get to know me. Then I could let you in and share my story with you.

But not until then. Not as long as I hear the words you say about others behind their back. Not as long as perfection is the standard and every fault is dissected.

No, not yet. Maybe not ever.

It is up to you, Dear One, to decide if others can ever let you in.

Letter to a Younger Me

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Dear 16 Year Old Kari,

This is 26 year old Kari—don’t freak out.

It’s been ten years. A lot has happened.

Like…

You finished high school. High five.

You went to and graduated from college. You started as a journalism major and finished with a degree in counseling because you didn’t like other people telling you how to write.

You are still paying for college 😦

You got married and you married well.

{This is your husband. He is hot. I can not describe to you how much you will love him}

You moved across the country to Massachusetts.

You’ve moved three times in Massachusetts and you’re not done yet.

You don’t have kids. They still scare you. But you finally got a cat…and sometimes she scares you too.

You colored your hair. Can you believe that? Me either.

You have to wear contacts because you see like an 80 year old woman without them. You had glasses but you lost them somewhere between Massachusetts and Missouri. The glasses were pink. You chose them from the children’s section (even though you were in your 20s) so it’s probably best that they got lost somewhere between here and there.

You don’t cry anymore. You will find it doesn’t help and one day, you’ll just stop.

There will be this thing called Facebook. You will join somewhere around your junior year of college.

In college a fellow journalism major will ask you what a “blog” is. You won’t know.

You will write a blog.

You will grow more confident about some things, more insecure about others. Security will be a life-long journey.

You still hate fish. I hope you always hate fish.

There will be little tiny phones called “cell phones.” People will walk around typing little tiny emails into their cell Phones—this is called “texting.”

You know that ghetto coffee shop called “Dunkin’ Donuts”? Embrace. Soon you will be best friends.

You will work at an aerospace company. I know, I can’t believe it either.

You will gain weight. Lay off on the Twinkies now doll.

You will always love taking pictures but  you won’t need film anymore.

You will tutor in math. Stop laughing. No, keep laughing because you will hate every second of it and laughing is the only thing that will get you through.

Indiana Jones is still hot.

For one year you will live in the cutest down town apartment with brick walls and wood floors. You will feel like a bird in a tree house and love every second of it.

Max Factor is going to go out of business so buy mascara like it’s the apocalypse baby.

Video stores are going to go out of business too but they will have this thing called “Netflix.”

You know that song by OneRepublic Chris made you listen to? Pay attention; they will become your favorite group.

You will find the world is much bigger than you think and you are wrong about many things.

You will have to say you’re sorry many times.

You will learn to say “I love you” but it will take much longer than you think.

If I could go back I would tell you:

Sleep now. Like, a lot.

Listen more. Talk less.

Breathe in the fresh country air; it will be hard to come by later.

You will get knocked down. You will get hurt. You will feel stupid and ugly. You will get back up.

You are not stupid or ugly.

Those guys you hope will notice you? They aren’t all you think they are. You are fine by yourself and there is a much better guy waiting for you.

You will never stop being afraid you will just learn to push through the fear to accomplish your dreams.

Don’t study so hard in college. Make time for people and build friendships. People will matter long after grades have been forgotten.

Don’t be so sarcastic all the time.

Don’t try to forget where you’re from. Your roots are important and you could never be who you are without them.

In some ways you will be very different. In some ways you will be exactly the same; this is the nature of growing up.

Life is not easy. People are mean. Not all of your dreams will come true.

But

Even though life will not turn out at all as you imagine, it will be fine.

You will be fine.

You will be just fine.

Love,

Your old wrinkled self

{26 Year Old Kari}

P.S. The world is supposed to end this year. I’ll write you in another 10 years and let you know how that goes down.

Moments in Time

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I spent Labor Day weekend up in Maine with Darren’s family. My brother and sister-in-law, their two little boys, and Darren and I decided to go for a walk through the woods and pastures. The hot sun was showing off its power for the last days of summer but as soon as we ducked into the woods under the canopy of trees, the heat broke and the cool Maine air gave us hope of fall coming soon enough.

I love the woods.

I felt like Lucy stepping through the wardrobe into Narnia—welcomed by a whole world of sights and sounds just beyond us as we live our lives among cities and highways. How can the woods be so quiet even as they bubble over with the sound of bird’s song, crickets, streams, and the rustle of leaves? How can they smell so good? The sod mingles with the moss, wild flowers, and evergreens filling the air with a sweet, earthy aroma. The light filters through the leaves and everything feels soft and hushed, calm and quiet.

It makes me happy :]

We walked the muddy path hopping around to avoid puddles, crossed the broken little bridge over the stream, balanced along a fallen tree, and popped out of the woods into the open pasture drenched in sunshine. I told my sister-in-law that between the shadowy woods and pasture covered in wild flowers, I felt like we were in Twilight together…only we’re not vampires and we’re not in love…because that would be weird.

We all trekked across the pasture together through the knee-high prairie grass and milk weed. The boys took off in search of blueberries. The sun was hot and I didn’t feel like trekking anymore. Maya and I sat in the grass talking.

I sat there thinking that I would probably remember this simple moment forever.

It was just an ordinary day. Just a walk in the woods. But it was all so magical. The blue mountain peaks sticking up behind the trees. The smell of evergreens. The grass up over our heads as we sat talking. The yellow wild flowers drenched in the yellow sunshine as far as we could see.

It was ordinary and extraordinary all at once.

Maya and I noticed we had settled right next to a big fat yellow and black garden spider and we were very pleased with our bravery for sitting there beside him, letting him listen in on our conversation, without panicking or running for our lives…that’s what I usually do around spiders…panic. kill. run for life.

The boys came back without any berries and I was a little sad they didn’t take longer; I was enjoying that moment…sitting in the grass over my head, talking with Maya and taking in the magic of the wild Maine mountain side.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said to “Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air.” I think he was on to something, that Emerson.

{Darren is always getting into trouble with the littles…I love him for that}

{The End}