I tend to test God. I ask endless questions and always look for proof. If I hear something in church or someone tells me I’m supposed to be or do something, I want proof–give me a verse or leave me alone. This can be a good thing because we don’t want to be blind followers of everything we’re told–that’s how religion ends of being abused for people’s misguided purposes. But I’ve also been realizing lately that sometimes I test God too much. I insist on proof when God asks for faith. I demand answers when God says to be still and know (Psalm 46:10). I want God to explain himself. I guess I want him to be scientific in a way–I want to put him under a microscope and dissect him until everything makes sense and fits nicely into my worldview and lifestyle. I don’t want God to say anything crazy or hard to believe and I don’t want to seem strange to the society around me when I obey him.  I even worry when I write about my faith that my friends who don’t share my faith will think I’m crazy so I better tone it down a little bit and make sure they know how smart and modern I am. Well I’ve been reading my Bible and I’ve got some bad news for me–God doesn’t have to follow my rules.

The story of Mary and Joseph and the beginning of God as man is one of the most beautiful and frightening stories to me. It is beautiful because it is God becoming man to save me from myself and it is beautiful because he uses normal people full of faith to accomplish his plan. It is also terrifying because he uses normal people full of faith to accomplish his plan. Not going to lie, I wouldn’t want to be Mary. Here you are about to be married and you turn up pregnant in a society that will stone you for such a thing. Yes, Mary, tell them an angel came to you and told you it would be a virgin birth, tell them the angel turned into a dove, tell them it’s the Son of God–tell them whatever you want, nothing could sound crazier than that story and no one will ever believe you anyway. I wouldn’t have believed her. I would have thought she was either a sociopathic liar or a lunatic and of course, immoral. But this was God’s plan and Mary somehow believed and obeyed even though she probably spent the rest of her life being talked about and looked down on for doing so. Mary’s response was quick and simple:

“And Mary said, ‘My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name. And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts; he has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate; he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent empty away. He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.'” Luke 1:46-55

In all my questioning God and expecting him to please make sense, I have to stop and ask myself, do I take God at  his word or question his every word? Am I willing to embrace the seemingly ridiculous with faith and humility? Where will I draw the line between healthy inquisition and rebellious or fearful questioning and doubt? God’s word is not easy, it doesn’t always make sense, there isn’t scientific proof or reason for every word, but I am asked to obey–now, today, in faith and humility knowing that God knows even when I can not.

Last night I was laying in bed awake for hours because I drank a pumpkin latte about two minutes before bed after having a huge cup of coffee before that–fail.

While I was laying there, I started thinking about God and why I don’t like praying, or at least don’t like stopping and taking the time to pray. I love God, I want to know him better and be closer to him, so why is prayer so hard? All at once, I knew why it was so hard–because it feels like God isn’t there, it feels like I’m talking to myself or the walls, and it feels foolish to talk to oneself. I thought if God were sitting across the table from me sharing a cup of coffee and that were prayer, then I would pray a lot more–and I would pray much differently. Instead of asking for so much stuff (please do this, fix that, provide this) I would just ask questions after question. I would ask God why he is complicated and confusing to me and why the Bible can be so hard to understand. I would ask him a thousand questions and we would talk for hours. But God doesn’t sit across from me at the kitchen table and that is when it occurred to me that the darkest part of the fall was not sin but the fact that sin puts a veil of darkness between me and God. After all, before sin, God did sit across from us at the kitchen table so to speak–he walked with Adam and Eve in the garden in the cool of the evening and they talked and talked. Then sin entered in and darkness came between us and there is no walking with God in the garden anymore–of course God is with us and he hears our prayers but what a loss of closeness.

Someday that dark veil will be removed and we will walk with him again and I will ask all my questions whether they matter at that point or not. Until then, the dark veil remains and I must learn to pray in spite of that darkness–but I’ll pray differently now–I’ll pray with the hope that someday I will walk with God in the garden in the cool of the evening and there will be no darkness between us.

I have a lot of questions about Christianity and the Bible. These questions are something I’m often told to be careful about–that is, asking too many questions could be dangerous or lead me down a dangerous road. I always wonder why it is people feel this way–why is it dangerous to ask question? If a question has a good answer, then asking the question is the best way to get to that answer, right? Maybe people are just afraid there aren’t good answers or hard questions will show the weak spots in the answers. I think perhaps people misunderstand me too; for instance, when I ask a question that sounds like I’m doubting God or the core beliefs of Christianity, then people get defensive and tell me I have no right to question God or Christianity. But I’m not so interested in questioning God himself as I am in understanding and knowing him better and these questions are part of that process for me.

I think sometimes we put too much faith in our “beliefs” and too little faith in God himself. We are so sure of our own beliefs and understanding that we refuse to let God open our eyes to anything new. How can we be so sure our church, denomination, books, pastors and teachers are right about God and what God wants? Isn’t it possible that God is bigger than even our beliefs about him and can sometimes surprise us or change our minds? I’m not out looking for new revelation or throwing everything I’ve ever been taught out the window–I’m just trying to keep my heart, mind, and eyes open to what God has to say–even if it seems to contradict something I’ve always been taught or believed.

I recently decided to start a project that I hope will help answer some of my questions–I want to read every word of the Bible with my own eyes. Obviously lots of people have done this before and many do it every single year on a Bible reading plan but it’s not something I have ever actually done myself. I don’t want to read the Bible just so I can say I did, but I want to read it with an open heart and mind–one that’s ready to either change or affirm my beliefs about God.

Now, I know some will read this and will want to answer all of my questions and I know you mean well in doing so. I’m open to everyone’s thoughts and opinions and actually really hope people will comment on this so we can have discussions and learn from each other. But at the same time, I know this a journey I have to take no matter how many answers people can give me. I need to read and understand the Bible for myself and seek out my own answers and not just accept the answers of others (even if those answers are right or the exact same conclusions I will eventually reach). I’m not looking for quick, accurate answers; I’m looking to see God with my own eyes through his word and whatever else he uses to help me know and understand him.

God said, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 29:12-14

I’m taking God at his word and looking forward to having my heart and eyes opened to his truth–whether that is just exactly what I’ve always believed or something radically different.

Sometimes I wonder how so many different kinds of people can call themselves Christians and read the same Bible and yet come up with such vastly different beliefs and standards.  I think maybe the reason is because we read into what the Bible actually says and we pick and choose what we’re going to take literally and not so literally.

But what I’m finding is that the Bible has lots of big guidelines and a few specific commands; I think Christians generally get this backwards. We major on the minor (clothing, hair styles) and minor on the major (love others just as much as you love your freaking self). We wring our hands over what music styles are appropriate and care nothing about being patient and kind when people disagree with our particular standards and convictions.

God is pretty straightforward about what really matters to him—that’s why he gave us the 10 commandments (and just 10, mind you).  And if God is not so very straightforward about something, should we be losing so much sleep over it ourselves?

God told us not to kill people or have affairs; we know without question what he wants here.

God said to dress modestly—he didn’t say exactly what modest is. Why? Because depending on your culture and the time in which you live, “modestly” can and will mean vastly different things. This is why God gave us discretion and common sense. Honestly, if God had an exact, specific dress code in mind when he told us to be modest, then he probably would have told us exactly what that was. Maybe it doesn’t matter as much to him as it does to us. Maybe it shouldn’t matter as much to us and we should worry more about loving people who irritate us since we know for sure what God meant when he said to love other people.

God doesn’t say a lot about music either, as much as people might try to lift verses and say that he does. God did tell us to worship him in spirit and in truth. So if we have the right spirit and truth about our music, does style really matter so much and is it worth spending so much precious time arguing about? I don’t think so.

Technically, if we are true believers then we’re supposed to belong to the same family in Christ and a family should be able to live under the same roof (or attend the same church). Instead we have thousands upon thousands of different churches (or families) because we disagree on something minor and let it separate us. How are we all going to live in heaven together, anyway? Oh ya, the people who disagree with me probably aren’t Christians anyway (said satirically of course).  I think maybe we need to get over ourselves a little bit and get back to the clear commands of Scripture. After all, if I really applied myself to obeying all the clear commands of Scripture alone, I probably wouldn’t have any  time left to judge someone else’ haircut or outfit anyway.