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The Problem with Expectations

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Expectations about life can really trip you up. I tend to have lots of expectation about how events will go, how doing different things will make me feel (getting married, buying a house, having a baby, etc.). It’s hard not to picture what life will be like down the road–how this or that will turn out. But the problem with expectations is, they often lead to disappointment.

If I picture something a certain way and it doesn’t end up turning out as I imagined, bam, I’m disappointed. Rather than just letting life happen organically and enjoying each moment one step at a time as it is, I run around frantically trying to make things unfold as I pictured them–and when they don’t, I think something is wrong just because it’s not what I imagined.

Even worse than the expectations I build up in my own head are the expectations other people put in my head. We’re probably all guilty of it–of projecting our own feelings and experiences onto the feelings and experiences of other people. We tell the soon-to-be-bride, “Oh, when you walk down the aisle and see him standing there, you’re going to feel such-and-such.” What this actually means is when I walked down the aisle and saw him standing there I felt such and such–who knows what you’ll feel and who says you have to feel the same way I did anyway?

An example I hear a lot right now is, “when you have a baby of your own and you’re finally holding that little bundle in your arms, it will be like this.” This is all fine and well, people of course mean no harm, but the problem is, what if I think I’m supposed to feel a certain way when I hold my own baby and, well–I just don’t? If I get in my head that this experience is supposed to unfold just so and make me feel just a certain way, I might be disappointed or think something is wrong when those feelings aren’t there. Instead of soaking up and enjoying an experience and letting the thoughts and feeling come as they may, I end up missing out on the unique beauty of that moment by stressing about not feeling “right.”

I expect when I do hold a child of my own, it will be overwhelming, like no other experience I’ve ever had, and perhaps I’ll get emotional or feel things I’ve never felt before. But I don’t know that and I don’t want to get there and be disappointed about not feeling what I expected. I don’t want to distract myself from such a special moment by worrying about conjuring up a specific feeling or emotional response. After all, I’m not a crier. I’ve never shed a tear at any major event in my life–graduating from college, thrilling but no tears. Getting married—amazing, but no tears. Actually the closest I’ve ever come to tears of joy was when I got Freshly Pressed, haha! So, who knows and who cares? Let life happen as it may. Set aside expectations and feel things for yourself, as they are, whatever that may mean. Don’t assume something is “wrong” just because it’s not what you expected or not the way other people told you it would be.

*With all this talk about holding babies, I would just like to clarify that I’m not pregnant or planning on getting pregnant. But since this is probably the next major event in my life and all my friends are doing it, I hear about it a lot right now and do think about what that bundle will feel like in my arms :]

Beautiful Sadness

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So often, I find within myself a deep sense of sadness. I have no reason for sadness, but it’s there none the less. I can step back and look at the facts of my life–the fact that I have a happy marriage, a good job, a cozy home, loving friends and family, the hope of God–so much to be thankful for and to look forward to. And yet, even among the facts of my happy life, I find sadness. Unreasonable, inexplicable sadness. I have always felt this sadness something I need to change, to overcome; I have viewed it as a weakness and a flaw…until recently. I have lately started to wonder if this sadness actually has anything good to offer–if it is perhaps a good and important part of my nature rather than a part that need be weeded out.
In The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis says, “God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.” I’ve been thinking a lot about these words and have started to wonder what lessons I can learn from sadness that I might not learn any other way. I see the following:

  • So much of what I write grows out of sadness, out of the dark times that give me reason to pause, to reflect, and to think harder and deeper. Perhaps if I had a lighter nature and didn’t struggle with sadness so much, I would never be able to think, feel, and write as I do. I feel deeply, which sometimes leads me down a dark road. But if I didn’t feel so deeply, perhaps I would never stop to think deeply, and in turn never write or create beauty out of that darkness. I’m reading Mood Tides by Dr. Ron Horton, a teacher I became acquainted with at the university I attended. Dr. Horton says, “Scripture does not require us to suppress these emotional states but asks us rather to make good use of them. I suspect that apart from emotional lows some would never entertain serious thoughts. Certainly apart from emotional highs it is difficult for the spirit to rise in praise. ‘Is any among you afflicted? Let him pray. Is any merry? Let him sing,’ commands James (James 5:13). Notice that this injunction does not propose correctives to these emotional states. James is not saying jerk yourself out of these moods. He is telling us what to be doing while we are in them.”
  • Sadness helps me look inward and see myself and all that lies within me, good or bad, in a sharper light. How would I ever grow or change if I never stopped to take a sober look at myself? I don’t always like what I see within, but looking away and ignoring the problems doesn’t help me change.
  • Sadness gives me a contrast to happiness that helps me develop a deeper appreciation for all the good in my life. When everything in life is perfect and I’m perfectly happy, I tend to take for granted all I’ve been given. But after a time of sadness and reflection, all the good in my life seems that much brighter and I am that much more thankful for the beauty I’m surrounded by.
  • Sadness helps me better relate to and value the suffering of others. I can say, “I know how you feel,” but I won’t really know unless I’ve been there myself. Sadness and depression are common infirmities and taking my part in them helps me know how to help others in their own darkest hour.

Even with the good I’m starting to see in sadness, I realize too it must not go unbridled. I cannot use sadness as an excuse. I cannot mistreat people around me because I’m upset or down. I can’t live a life of doom and gloom marked only by complaining. If sadness is to be used for good in my life, then I must learn from it and be always moving forward, not wallowing in self-pity. C.S. Lewis says, “Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” Sadness is only good so far as it helps me reflect and change; anything beyond that is very likely self-indulgence.

Again in Mood Tides, Dr. Horton says of the emotional ups and downs we face, “But if emotional variation is inevitable, spiritual variation is not. Satan delights to attack us at the extremes of our emotional cycles as well as at seasons of life that push us up or down. He need not succeed. We can resist him better if we understand that it is not the extremes themselves but what we do with them that brings about spiritual victory or defeat. We can condemn their indulgent states, pride, and despair, without condemning the fluctuations themselves. For elation and depression are normal moods intended for good. They are moods, it is true, which some must endure as acute and chronic infirmities. Yet they may be endured like other infirmities with the assurance that God can turn suffering to positive gain. There is divine purpose in the rhythms of life.”

I love the poem Desert Places by Robert Frost. Frost’s words about the empty, desert places we find inside ourselves remind me that I’m not alone in this experience:

“Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast

In a field I looked into going past,

And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,

But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it–it is theirs.

All animals are smothered in their lairs.

I am too absent-spirited to count;

The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is, that loneliness

Will be more lonely ere it will be less–

A blanker whiteness of benighted snow

With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces

Between stars–on stars where no human race is.

I have it in me so much nearer home

To scare myself with my own desert places.”

Desert Places by Robert Frost

And Now I Can Fulfill My Destiny

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I love being outside. I think perhaps I should have been a vagabond instead of a normal person. Oh well. I decided to make up an excuse for going outside and bought the cutest vintage bike you’ve ever seen. No really, EVER. Here she is:

She came in the mail this morning and I haven’t regained my senses yet. Here’s the husband putting her together in the kitchen. Nothing like having an aerospace Quality Manager put things together for you–if the helicopters fly then the bike should ride (we hope).

I decided to take her out for her maiden voyage, all along telling Husband what an avid bike rider I was all through my youth and pretty much laid it out that I was pro. Probably shouldn’t have done that. I almost died. I went like a 1/4 of a mile and my knee was aching and I was panting for air. Sooo, I guess I’m a little out of shape–fail.

Here she is in her new home–our living room. She can’t live outside because I’m fairly certain one of my various pot-infused neighbors will take her for a spin and then I would have to chase them down and we would fight to the death–not ideal if you ask me. So, I vote she lives in the living room. Husband says she has to live in the basement. Silly Husband. Does he really think I’m going to let him put my sweet little bike in that dark abyss? No, I win; she lives in the living room.

I have lots of plans for my little bike–camping trips, racing the nephews, national parks, days at the beach…just as soon as I get my 26 year old knee and lungs whipped back into shape–who knew I would get so old so young? That’s what living in the city does to you, I say. Get me outside!

I bought the basket separately from Peterboro Basket Company located in Peterborough, New Hampshire. They hand-make their baskets right here in the USA using all American products…love that, love supporting local business when I can.

So, what are your plans for the warm weather days?

Are You a Downer?

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There are going to be people in life who critique and discourage whatever it is you happen to be doing. There are many others of course who, even with a little constructive criticism here and there, will encourage and help you move forward.

My first reaction to those who immediately find fault in every idea and situation is to distance myself–not because I expect everyone to like and agree with everything I do and think, but because I’ve learned these people aren’t going to like or agree with anything I do or think; they’re going to drag me down and prevent me from moving forward with joy and confidence.

I call these people downers. Downers miss out on so much: They miss out on being close to people because people don’t trust them and don’t want to be close. They miss out on all the parts of the life and self people keep tucked away from their critical words.

I’ve been asking myself today:

  • Am I a downer?
  • Am I the person who finds fault with others and constantly discourages when I should be lifting up?
  • Are my words, thoughtless or otherwise, hurtful to those around me?
  • Am I being sarcastic when I should be honest and compassionate?
  • Am I a person others can turn to with vulnerable ideas and feelings or am I someone people hide thoughts and feelings from to protect themselves?

Not every idea is a good idea. Not every action deserves a pat on the back. But if it is in my power to encourage and build up those around me in an honest, constructive way, that is exactly what I should be doing.

The Discipline of a Happy Life

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Having the life you want is a lot of hard work. If I want a clean house, well dang it, I have to clean it. If I want money then I have to get out of bed and work for it–and in working for it, I have to set aside a lot of other things that I might rather be doing. I would rather stay home and blog or go spend that hard-earned money on something I want–but off to work I must go instead. If I want to make something beautiful, I might spend the entire day on Pinterest looking at lovely things to make (and never actually making anything at all). Or I might think up one thing to make and get my rear in gear doing it. When it comes down to it, a happy life is a lot of doing and an unhappy life is a lot of “I want to’s” without the doing–without ever gaining a sense of satisfaction and achievement.

I want to be a good writer; I don’t always want to do the hard work of writing, and re-writing, and staring at a screen. But if I don’t sit down and start typing–something, anything–I’ll never be the writer I want to be. Instead I’ll live with big dreams and plans and never have anything to show for it.

I don’t want to do the laundry and wash the dishes, but I would rather do the work and have the satisfaction of living in a nice organized, clean house–not just dreaming of one while I surf the web. I don’t want to plan meals, go grocery shopping, and make dinner–but I would rather do all these things and have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve worked hard and provided a healthy, satisfying meal for my husband and I rather than tossing another lazy day frozen pizza in the oven.

I want a good marriage but I don’t always feel like being kind and patient with my husband. I don’t always feel like making sacrifices or doing the every day work that goes into building a relationship. But I would rather work at building this relationship and enjoy the peace and joy that comes from that work rather than being selfish and lazy and losing potential happiness simply because I don’t value marriage enough to fight for it and work hard at it.

On a deeper level, I want to know God and his word better. I want to be a mature, faithful Christian. But I don’t always want to do the work that allows me to know God better or to mature in my faith. I don’t want to take the time to read my Bible, I don’t want to step back from my busy life and take the time to pray–I want what I want but I don’t want to do the work.

Life is a series of choices and each choice you make today impacts the life you build for tomorrow. Even though doing one thing may sound better and easier right now, will doing it allow you to achieve your goals and build the life you want long-term or will it hinder you and waste one more day?

What do you want to do? What is keeping you from doing it? If what you want is within your power and hard work is the only thing keeping you from achieving your goals, do the work–you won’t regret it.

Statute of Limitations

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Okay, so this post doesn’t actually have anything to do with the statute of limitations in the legal sense–I just thought it was a clever title. You’ve been punked. I apologize :] Seriously though, I’ve been thinking about something I learned when I was in college–that being that I can do anything I have to. There are certain things, like public speaking, that I would consider nearly impossible for me to do. I’ll cry or pass out or die on stage I tell myself, but then I’m faced with a situation where I absolutely have to do what I think will make cry or die and it turns out, I live.

I had to take two public speaking classes in college, one my freshmen year and the other my senior year. I had two choices: Take and pass both classes or don’t graduate from college. So, I took both classes (and somehow got a good grade in both) and graduated. Before I went to college, I would have told myself  public speaking was something I would never and could never do–but I did it, because I had to.

Take it up a notch–public speaking in a foreign language, eek. I was also required to take four semesters of a foreign language in college, and to make sure we all wanted to kill ourselves by the end, we were required to give presentations and speeches in that language in front of class. I’m not going to say I earned a good grade on this one–I just passed somehow, but I did what I otherwise  would have sworn impossible, what I would have run from had I not been forced to do it.

Even though overcoming fear and facing difficulties didn’t earn me any college credit per se, it was still one of the most important lessons I learned in school; it’s a lesson I have fallen back on many times since then. Learning to do what I normally wouldn’t have has shown me how brave and determined I can be and it’s shown me an inner strength I never would have recognized had I run from intimidating situations instead of standing my ground and accomplishing my goals.

In life, there are sure to be situations where you have to cross a bridge to reach a goal. You will have two choices: Face your fear and achieve or give into fear and lose your dream–there will be no shortcuts, tricks, or any way around it. When you face these situations, I hope you stand your ground. You will be amazed by how much courage you will have for the next task when you can look back at a previous obstacle you’ve overcome and can remind yourself, “If I got through that, then I can get through this too.”

I believe that each situation I face in life is used by God to change me and prepare me for future tasks and situations. If I refuse to do something I know I should, I will not learn the lessons and gain the courage I need for the next task. In backing down to fear, I start limiting myself and my ability to face greater and greater fears and responsibilities. I don’t know what waits for me down the road–will I lose someone I love, will I be injured, will I face financial difficulty? I don’t know. All I know today is I must face my fear and grow to prepare myself for tomorrow’s challenges–whatever they are.

It’s Now or Never—Building Relationships

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Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the small windows of opportunity we have in life–especially concerning relationships. People universally want to be loved and accepted; we want to know that the people we care about care about us too. If I care about someone who doesn’t seem to care about me, the window of opportunity for that person to build a relationship with me closes quickly because I’m inclined to pull away and close up in order to avoid getting hurt. I’m not even talking about romantic relationships but friendship and family relationships too.

I see this in a lot of parent/child relationships. When kids are little and always at their parents’ heels, the parents take for granted that their children will always want their time and attention. Parents are busy people–they are often tired and running in five directions at once trying to keep up with all their responsibilities. In the hustle, kids sometimes (for long times) fall to the side. And then the kids grow up–fast–and they are gone. They grow busy with their own lives and concerns and pretty soon the tables are turned. The parents’ lives are perhaps now slowing down and they finally have the time they’ve always wanted to spend with their kids–but the kids are gone. They’re in college, or married with children of their own, or living far away and that small window of opportunity to build a lasting parent/child relationship is closed to some extent. Not that you can’t rebuild relationships, of course you can, but it will take far more time and work when you’ve pushed people away and have to re-earn their trust.

So often it’s now or never and never comes so soon.

I’m learning that if I want to have deep meaningful relationships with people, then I have to make those people a big priority in my life. I have to let people know they matter to me and they’re worth my time even if my time is limited.

I have five brothers and none of us have been very close since we all left home. The six of us are spread out from Missouri to Louisiana to Massachusetts so get-togethers are few and far apart. We go months upon months without speaking at all–no phone calls, text messages, e-mails, nothing. This is hard for me because I want to be closer to my family. I always tell myself that the lack of communication is just because they’re men and men don’t always want or need the same level of communication that women do. But the truth is, they can’t communicate with me regardless of whether they’re good communicators or not if I don’t make time for them and let them know they matter to me. They never call I say, but I never call either. Maybe I’ll call and the phone will just ring and go to voicemail and maybe they’ll never call me back–but I won’t know if I don’t try and if I don’t try my window of opportunity to stay close and build a relationship may shut sooner and longer than I think.

If I shut people out of my life when I feel like I’m not important to them, who am I to think they won’t do the same to me?

Harry Chapin’s song Cats in the Cradle reminds me of all this. I didn’t understand the meaning of the song when I was younger but I’ve always liked the way it sounds. Now I see just how true his words are and how important it is that I make people a priority in my life–before it’s too late.

Cats in the Cradle

“My child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch and bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad You know I’m gonna be like you”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin’ home dad? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son You know we’ll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play Can you teach me to throw”, I said “Not today I got a lot to do”, he said, “That’s ok” And he walked away but his smile never dimmed And said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah You know I’m gonna be like him”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin’ home son? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son You know we’ll have a good time then
Well, he came home from college just the other day So much like a man I just had to say “Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?” He shook his head and said with a smile “What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys See you later, can I have them please?”
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin’ home son? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son You know we’ll have a good time then
I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away I called him up just the other day I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind” He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad It’s been sure nice talking to you”
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me He’d grown up just like me My boy was just like me
And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man on the moon When you comin’ home son? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son You know we’ll have a good time then”

How I Came to Rule the Known World

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Okay, so maybe I don’t exactly rule the known world but that is exactly how I felt when I was Pressed. I am honestly so humbled and overwhelmed by all the encouragement and support I received from so many of you. Thank you, each of you, for taking the time to stop by, read, and leave feedback. Every “like” felt like a fist bump. Every comment felt like a hug. And now I feel like a million bucks! Your words gave me the push I needed to keep writing and to move forward with my blog so thank you again! I look forward to stopping by your blogs and getting to know you better as we move forward together in our little blogging community. I dare say I am falling in love with each and every one of you. I love you I say! You see what kind of rubbish you will have to put up with if you keep reading my blog? You’ve been warned 8]

Love, Kari

Raise your Glass to Dunkin Donuts!

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Be still my soul

I grew up in Missouri. Missouri has very few Dunkin Donuts; this is tragic and out of my control. I moved to New England. New England has a Dunkin Donuts (or two or three) on every corner in every town and no, I. am. not. exaggerating. Every corner people. Dunkin Donuts is the best thing that has ever happened to me. They say “America runs on Dunkin”—one thing is sure, New England runs on Dunkin like cars run on gas. We complain about the rising cost of fuel; no one complains about the cost of Dunkin fuel. You know why?

a) It is not expensive. It is the people’s coffee unlike other snooty brands that start with star and end with spending big bucks.

b) It does not matter if it is ever expensive because the people will pay for it and the people will drink it because the people of New England must needs have their Dunkin. Hail Dunkin Donuts!

Yes, I hug giant mugs of coffee in the middle of airports

There have been several major natural disasters in the last year around here. To start, there was a tornado. Said tornado came offensively close to hitting our house. It did hit our car and our trees but you know what? After my husband and I confirmed that our house was still standing, we next wanted to know, “Is our local Dunkin okay?” It was, by the way and it’s a good thing because I dare say we would have moved to a different town altogether if there were no Dunkin left standing in ours.

Dunkin zipping around town with us

Then there was a snowapocalypse  in October. Everyone and their uncle in New England lost power for days and days. Let me tell you, we had no power for almost a week. It was freezing out and we had no heat, no water, we couldn’t even flush the toilette. Oh, and my parents were in town visiting (of course they were). And the car was well nigh out of gas and there were no gas stations open and we were almost out of food and no grocery stores were open. And you want to know what the worst thing of all was? Of course you do. THERE WERE NO DUNKIN DONUTS OPEN FOR LIKE THREE DAYS. I almost killed myself. That’s what happens when you become dependent on a substance and bam, you can’t have it for three days. Let me tell you folks, them were the worst three days New England’s ever seen because you have all these coffee deprived zombies wandering the streets looking for a cup of Dunkin. It was very nearly the end of the world.

Shockingly excited over a tiny cup filled with Dunkin munchkins brought home by the husband

Dunkin Donuts makes me happy.

I would like to be a world traveler you know, but I’ve come to reconcile myself to the fact that I cannot leave New England and stray too far from Dunkin. I will never live in another part of the country because it’s too big a risk that I’ll have to drive more than a mile to get a coffee.

This is my dream car. This bad boy was in our town parade

Iced mocha latte with whole milk and sugar! Be still my soul.

Mint hot chocolate with a Turbo shot of espresso and extra whipped cream! Welcome to glory.

Hot pumpkin latte with whole milk and sugar! Have mercy.

Dunkin goes to the beach with us

Oh, and did I mention the amazingly friendly staff at Dunkin that always have my husband’s coffee on the counter for him made to his exact specifications before he even gets up to order? THESE PEOPLE SHOULD BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY! Move aside Obama, it’s time for change. Talk about uniting parties, yes, I dare say Dunkin can do that. I vote we truck Dunkin into the Senate and see how quick they start loving and hugging.

DUNKIN TO THE PEOPLE!

Logo for world peace

The Baby Leaves!

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My husband always calls the first leaves of spring “baby leaves” because he gets a kick out of how tiny and bright they are. I decided to write a ditty about these baby leaves in honor of the first day of spring :] I hope you enjoy the baby leaves as they start to poke out in your part of the country!

The birds are singing and the peepers are peeping,

The buds are bursting with baby leaves and blooms.

The flowers are poking their heads through the sod

Ready to unveil the canvas painted all winter long.

The sky is competing with nature’s awakening hues

deepening ever in cobalt blue.

The windows are open, the breeze blows in–

The bugs think it’s an invitation to come in.

The ants are busy, busy as bees

but none are busy as the baby leaves.

A new generation, a grand debut!

The leaves work quickly, they must work fast–

by summer heat their lives are half past.

They delight in the spring with life anew,

Shade in the summer in rich emerald hue.

By autumn’s entrance they are golden and proud

blushing in crimson, pleasing the crowd.

They fall to ground robing it in color,

Sleep all winter getting ready for summer.

We wait and we watch until spring comes again–

until the baby leaves trust the sun’s warm rays

and burst forth with new life for a few short days.