Silent Letters

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Must your every thought and word be heard? I’m afraid my generation and the generations growing up behind me think so. We share everything—on Facebook, on Twitter, in our blogs, through Instagrams. And then we wait for a reaction—for the likes, comments, and all the pretty little stats that tell us we are good, we are heard. It’s a drug, an addiction—a hit that sends endorphins flooding through our brains, lighting up the part of us thirsting for attention and affirmation.

And we find the silence becomes deafening because we just can’t live without the noise, the reaction, the endorphins flooding in and telling us we are heard, we are good.

And we lose the beauty of silence, the sacredness of solitude.

Sometimes our souls need to be alone.

Sometimes we can only begin to hear in the hush.

Sometimes words need to be written but not read.

Sometimes beauty needs to be seen but not captured or shared.

Sometimes we just need to live quietly in a moment or we will lose ourselves in the noise.

My soul needs some silent letters—words written but not shared. Letters penciled into my journal for the soul, not for the reaction. Letters tapped out on my typewriter slowly, carefully with the heavy stoke of each letter hammered in ink to paper—just for me.

Letters and words good and valuable…and ever so quiet….quiet enough to be heard by the soul.

Because not everything I am must be known. Not everything I say must be heard.

My soul needs silence. Solitude. Words written and not read.

Otherwise I will drown and lose myself in the noise.

hampton-beach-2011-121Can your soul find silence? Can you walk away from the noise?

For the Love of Words

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Words are the pixels that put together an understandable picture of my world. Words are the brushstrokes in a masterpiece—the fine lines, nearly meaningless alone, culminating in beauty and understanding together.

I simply love words.

I sit down at my computer and start typing—slowly at first, and then the flood comes over me. Words stream and flow, bubble up and mingle—until, at last, I step back from the strokes and see the picture. I see beauty. I see creation. I see a part of myself in black ink on the page.

Sometimes I feel like god when I write and can make all those unruly letters do and say whatever I want. Just like God in the beginning when he spoke—when He said the words “Let it be”—and it was.

So I speak, “Let it be”—and it is. Letters, pictures, stories, truth, emotion—all painted together onto the blank canvas of a page. All coming from nothing as the cursor gives birth to word after word. Words turned to sentences. Sentences to paragraphs. Paragraphs to the page. The page to a story. The story to a life all its own—a world, a place that never was before the words came together and said it is so.

I love words. I love blank pages. Blankness is merely a call to creation. Something out of nothing. Worlds out of words.

But sometimes I forget how much I love words. Sometimes I think the worth of words is entirely in the number of likes and responses those words receive. Sometimes I write something I love—something of myself that I gave up to the page. And even though  I loved the words, others do not. And I start to think the words lost their meaning. I start to think the words are no good. I think of quitting. I think it’s too hard. I only think these things because I forgot.

I forgot how much I loved the words.

I loved the words as they percolated and came together in my brain. I loved the words as I gave birth to them on the page. I loved the creation from something out of nothing.

And really, that should be enough. The words and the love I have for them—not the love they receive from others.

So, today, I start again with this blank canvas—this empty vastness yearning for creation. Something out of nothing.

I write because I love writing. I love the words. I love the blankness. I love the fine strokes of creation.

Even if you don’t like them too. That’s okay. Because I can’t leave the canvas blank. I can’t leave the cursor….cursing? I can’t. I have to write. I have to create.

Maybe I just like feeling like god for a few hours in the day.

One Year From Now

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I heard someone say if you want to have clear ambitions and reach goals in your life you should ask yourself where you want to be in a year, five years, or ten years from now. Once you know where you want to be in five or ten years you can start figuring out the smaller daily steps for reaching that goal on time.

I’ve thought a lot about where I want to be one year from now. When 2013 slips into 2014, where do I want to be in my life? What do I want to have accomplished or overcome? What do I want to be different about who I am or what I’m doing? And in turn, what small steps do I need to take each day throughout this upcoming year to reach those goals?

Here are some of the things I want from 2013 in no particular order:

I Want to Relax and Do Things That Scare Me:

I promise to calm down, live life, and stop worrying about all the “what if’s” so much.

I promise to go inner tubing with my husband even though it scares me and washes my eye makeup off—which leaves me looking like a scared, 12-year-old boy 8]

Because you miss out on so much of living when you’re too afraid to try.

I Want to Build a Better Relationship with My Husband:

I promise to go back to the ice cream stand where I fell in love with Darren. The place where I said something “inappropriate” and Darren laughed so hard he almost snorted ice cream up his nose. The place where Darren smeared ice cream in my face and I knew right then that I loved him and wasn’t about to live without him. The place where he was no longer just a guy I liked but became the guy I knew I would spend the rest of my life with. I promise to go back…and this time I’m smearing ice cream in his face :]

Because I don’t want to miss a moment with the man I love so much.

I Want to Capture the Fleeting Beauty of Each Day:

I promise to capture the moments. The fireflies and star-lit skies. The flowers, the leaves, the people and places. All the magic that makes our days.

I promise to take my camera with me everywhere because there are moments to be captured and remembered—moments I’ll never get again.

I promise to develop better photography skills so I can better capture the world around me.

I promise to learn to draw and sketch as best I can so I will have the ability to capture and recreate the beauty all around me.

Because, the world is full of magic you know; it’s all around us if we will open our eyes and see. It’s ours to keep if we will slow down and take it.

I Want to Have More Discipline Over My Body:

I promise to get in good enough shape to climb Mount Washington because Darren loves it up there at the top and I’ve never experienced that place so important to him with him.

I promise to lose the 15 pounds I’ve gained because I’m tired of not feeling good about my body.

I promise to get in good enough shape to ride my heavy 1-speed bike up and down the hills and all over the place.

  • I will do this by getting up early enough to work out for 30 minutes each weekday before work.
  • I will replace my daily coffee with tea during the week.
  • I will control the portion sizes I eat.
  • I will buy and prepare healthy meals for my family

Because it’s crazy to let 15 pounds keep me from being healthy and happy in my own skin.

I Want to Go On Quiet Little Adventures:

I promise to go camping beside the ocean and watch the sun rise over the water.

I promise to explore Acadia on my heavy 1-speed.

Because life doesn’t have to be boring unless you’re a boring person. Why be bored when there is so much life to be lived, so much to see and do?

I Want to Make Time for People and Community:

I promise to have people over for dinner.

I promise to make our home a warm, inviting place where people always know they’re welcome.

I promise to go home and see my family even though tickets are expensive.

I promise to spend time with friends and stop complaining about how I’m too busy.

Because people are more important than my schedule.

I Want to Read More:

I promise to spend more time reading and less time watching TV and messing around on the internet.

I promise to invest money into books.

Because whole worlds live in the pages of a book and I don’t want to miss out on a single lesson or story.

I Want to Improve My Blog:

I promise to invest the time and patience it takes to build a beautiful, meaningful blog.

I promise to slow down and write thoughtfully.

Because blogging is an amazing outlet and opportunity I don’t want to waste by being lazy and impatient.

I Want to Have More Financial Discipline:

I promise to stick to our budget.

I promise to stop looking for things to want.

I promise to be thankful for and content with what I have.

Because there is so much more in this world to love than fleeting, material things.

I might make a baby too…

Because…

I’m tired of waiting for life to begin at some other place and time.

This one year, no matter what it is, no matter what it’s not—this one year I’ll never get again.

One year from now I want to look back at this post and see all the things I did, not just things I talked about doing. One year from now I want to have pictures, sketches, words, and stories from a year of live lived meaningfully. A year from now I want to be closer to my husband, my God, my friends, and my family. I want to have gone on adventures and faced my fears. I want to look back with peace and satisfaction—not regret.

To do this will mean taking small steps every day. It will mean getting out of bed earlier than I want to to work out…I hate working out. Sometimes it will mean saying yes to something that scares me and sometimes it will mean saying no to something I want. It will mean making choices—choosing one thing over another because each day comes only with limited time and opportunity to choose what’s most important.

I have no idea what the next 365 days will hold—happiness, heartache, adventure, mistakes…some of each, I’m sure.

Wherever this road leads, whatever I face, I hope only that I will come out on the other side a little bit different. A little bit changed.

What do you hope for in 2013? Where do you want to be one year from now and how will you get there on time?

A Winter Wonderland

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Eleven inches of snow fell flake by flake into our yard last night. We woke up this morning to a winter wonderland. We tried and tried to get out of the drive, but alas, we are stuck. Since we are snowed in and I have nothing better to do, I decided to treck out into the snow for some pictures.

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DSC07157

DSC07129“Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast

In a field I looked into going past,

And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,

But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

 From Desert Places By Robert FrostDSC07147{The bird house is wearing a snow cap}DSC07154

DSC07127{Today is the perfect day to put your feet up and watch the world go by}DSC07185{I’m going to sip some coffee and finish reading The Hobbit}DSC07187{Katniss thinks he should be sipping coffee too}

Are you snowed in too? :]

{2012} A Year in Review

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A year has come. A year has gone by.

I look back at what has happened. I look forward to what is to come.

These are my memories—my favorite moments from a year of life lived.

We spent our days on the water—boating and jumping in the salty sea.

Beach Collage

We soaked up the summer sun and built driftwood fires when the sun grew tired before we did

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We went on our first real vacation together—exploring Puerto Rico and the islands of the Caribbean

Carribean Collage 2

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We celebrated our 4th year of marriage exploring the beautiful city of Portsmouth, New Hampshire

Portsmouth CollageDSC06052

We went to campgrounds and fairgrounds

ferris-wheel

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We adopted a wild little kitten and fell completely in love with our stripped little trouble maker

Katniss Collage

I saved my pennies and bought that bike I wouldn’t shup up about

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We blinked and summer slipped into fall

Fall Hike 2008-13

 We flew away to meet new nephews and nieces and to spend time with family

DSC06918Family Vaca CollageThe leaves fell and the snow flakes began to fly.

Changing Seasons Collage

We gathered around warm fires and our merry little Christmas tree

Winter fire winter welcome

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And here we are, just like that, we have reached the end of another year.

It’s okay though.

Because we lived through the Mayan apococlypse.

And I’m sure we’ll live through whatever 2013 has for us too.

All Things Merrily and Bright

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{Christmas is almost here. Ask the bird in the snow cap, he will tell you the same. Tweet Tweet! Christmas is almost here} Christmas Collage 1

{The stockings are hanging, the fire is burning, the tree is filling the house with the smell of Christmas}

Christmas Collage 2

{The presents our wrapped and ready to reveal all the secrets we’ve been keeping}

Christmas Collage 3

{And the cat, oh the cat, he just can’t take it—he’s so full of Christmas cheer. He climbs under the tree and up the tree. He pulls ornaments off the tree and bats them around on the floor. He tries to open presents even though we tell him not yet, little kitten, not yet. He bites the branches and spreads pine needles everywhere. He’s a trial and a trouble, that cat so full of Christmas cheer}

It’s time to spread some Christmas cheer! For your viewing pleasure, click here to see a video of me and Darren doing a funky Christmas elf dance. I know, it’s the best Christmas present anyone has ever given you; you’re welcome.

Happy holidays.

Love, Kari

Just Listen

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Sometimes people tell me their problems and I don’t know what to say. I want to fix everything for them. I want to give good advice and solve all their problems. But as it turns out, I’m just a kid and I haven’t learned how to solve very many problems yet.

When I don’t have answers I wonder why people tell me their problems in the first place. A friend tells me about trouble with her husband. I listen. I sympathize. I encourage. But I don’t solve her problem. Another friend tells me about trouble with her kids. I don’t even have kids but I listen, and sympathize, and encourage anyway but still solve no problems.

The other day Mr. Husband was telling me about a problem at work. It was a complicated thing—something to do with reading through 100’s of pages of blueprints and specs trying to find an answer. He was getting frustrated and I was getting confused. He knew I knew nothing of what he was talking about. I don’t read blueprints and I don’t solve aerospace conundrums. But he told me all about his problem anyway and I sat and listened anyway.

And that’s when it occurred to me: He doesn’t care if I solve his problem; he just wants me to listen. Of course I have no answers. Of course he will still have to figure this problem out on his own. But sometimes it helps just to talk things through. Sometimes you find the answer you’re looking for just by talking through a problem out loud.

So now I see when my friends tell me their troubles, they aren’t necessarily looking for answers. Maybe they’re just looking to be heard and understood. Maybe they just need to talk through a problem out loud. Maybe they just need to know they aren’t alone and when they need to talk they have someone who will listen.

I’m learning to be that person who will simply listen. I may not have answers but I have two ears, and sometimes, two ears are the only answer anyone needs.

Learning to Need Other People

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For the last four years I have lived in Massachusetts—a thousand miles from my family, friends, and the place where I grew up—1,367 miles to be exact. I love it and I hate it here and it seems the divide in my heart spans wider and wider each year.

New England is beautiful and filled with culture and history. There is always something new to see and do. I love being close to the ocean and the mountains and all the beautiful old cities. I love living close to Darren’s brother and his family. I love the friends I have made here. But I miss my family and my home. I miss the Midwest prairies and lazy afternoons spent with family doing nothing but just being together.

Truth be told, and it isn’t easy for me to say, I am very lonely here. I’m lonely without my family and friends and that place called home—nothing fills that void in my heart because nothing and no one else can.

This week I thought a lot about being lonely. Probably because it was Thanksgiving and we were up with all of Darren’s family for the holiday and I was missing being with my family.

I thought about why I am so lonely here even after four years. I thought about why I haven’t built more friendships and community. Why am I so alone in this place even after all this time?

In thinking through all these things, I realized something about myself. I realized I don’t ever want to need other people. I already knew I’m hard to get to know—I’ve been told that many times. But I never realized the reason I’m so hard to get to know is because I don’t want to need other people or let them in. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to look like I’m not all put together. I don’t want to look like I need help with anything or need to learn anything. I want to be in control and be fine all by myself.

Only I’m not.

I’m lonely. And I’m tired. And I’m tired of being alone and trying to look like I don’t need any help.

I need friendship, I need community, I need other people to help me find my way and grow.

I think about when Darren and I start a family and the thought of raising children in this place by myself scares me. I won’t have my mom. I won’t have my grandma or my sister-in-laws (except for the one wonderful sister-in-law I do have here on Darren’s side). I don’t know anything about babies or children. I don’t know when they’re supposed to eat or sleep or how to tell when they’re sick. And I don’t want to figure any of these things out by myself. I want—and need–friendship and community. I need moms and mentors who can help me learn the things I don’t know.

I need other people.

Like it or not, I’m not all put together and I can’t do everything on my own. And if I keep chasing people away by pretending that I’m fine by myself, then I will never be able to build the friendships and community I need.

So I’m learning.

I’m learning to let people in. Learning to admit that I am tired, and lonely, and I need other people.

I have this quiet prayer in my heart right now—that God would give me moms and mentors and that I would have the humility to accept their love and help when they come.

Because I need help, and I need people, and I’m tired of pretending I can do all of this on my own.

I Thought You Should Know…

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This morning an elderly woman walks into Dunkin’ Donuts and painstakingly selects 12 donuts. The cashier gets all the donuts in the box and seals it up to hand to the woman and she says, “Oh no! That’s not what I meant to do! I came in here for a gift card!” True story :]

That is all.

Love, Kari

Your Heart Goes With You

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I sometimes catch myself thinking it will be easier to be happy, content, loving, giving, or whatever when something in my life changes. When I have that house I’m waiting for. When I start a family. When I’m anywhere but here.

I was thinking the other day about how life would be easier at some later point and it hit me: Life will be the same because your heart goes with you.

What I mean by that is when I have that house I’ve been waiting for, I’ll still have the same heart moving into it with me. If I’m unhappy or discontent in my heart without that house, my unhappy heart will go with me and find something else to be unhappy about.

I know this is true because it’s happened a thousand times before. I now have many things I once thought would change everything. And even though all those things are nice and do add some happiness to my life, they do not fundamentally change who I am or how I look at life—that starts in the heart.

My favorite blogger said, “Your looks are only a carrier of your soul.”

She’s right not only about the physical appearance but physical circumstances and possessions too. How I look, where I live, and the circumstances around me matter only on a material level and change all the time. But my heart and soul, who I am on the inside and how I live and think on the inside—that’s what really matters no matter what changes on the outside.

My heart and soul go with me. Everywhere, every time. I hope I can learn to grow each day in the place and circumstances where I find myself.

The way we live life is a choice we make every single day and today, I choose to make the right choices.